What NOT To Get Single Women on Valentine’s Day

9 Feb

So, I’m single. Blau me. I thought this would be a lonely, miserable time in my life and yet, I actually like it! I don’t answer to anyone, I can be a bitch when I feel like it and not feel bad. PMS is just another week of my life, and no one gets annoyed with me when I’m going through it. I don’t have obligations to anyone but my family and dog. Gee, this single life is becoming another one of my favorite things.

However, I’m not even going to pretend that I am going to like being single on Valentine’s day. Let’s be honest, I’m sure I will hate the fact that I am single on Valentine’s day. No cheesy Hallmark cards that tell me how beautiful, amazing and sexy I am, and how I am the missing piece to his puzzle. It is going to be a sad, stupid miserable day in which I probably, well not probably, I will sit on my ass, eat an unrealistic amount of chocolate covered things, watch The Notebook, cry my eyes out and sit in a bathtub pondering if I’ll ever find another man other than my dog and father to love me unconditionally.

Then of course it is the single women that get those weird ass gifts on Valentine’s day to overcompensate for the fact that they are single. I love when people get me something for Valentine’s day when I’m single, chocolate and battery operated devices are preferred.

If you’re wondering what NOT to get single women on Valentine’s day, I’ve made it pretty simple for you.

A Snuggie.

[MySnuggieStore, $9.99]

Just because many single women will spend this day on the couch, watching sad, sappy love movies does not mean we need to be covered in a large piece of pink felt with sleeves. All this does is encourage hand to mouth action and make us fat AND single.

Awful.

A Boyfriend Pillow

[NeatShtuff, $28.95]

Not everyone needs to sleep with an arm around them to be secure and comfortable okay? Just because single women don’t have boyfriends, does NOT mean we need a plush replacement. If it vibrated, it’d be one thing, but it doesn’t.

Giant Plush Microbes

[ThinkGeek, $8.99]

No one wants to get a sexually transmitted disease, not even if it’s soft, cute and cuddly. There is nothing funny about giving your friend herpes, even if it’s stuffed.

Grow A Boyfriend

[NeatOShop, $1.95]

Why does every person in a relationship feel so bad for single people? So bad that they need to buy this dumb grow-a-boyfriend kit? All this thing does is grow in water and become a weird, gooey plastic creature. What about that is worth a dollar ninety-five?

It doesn’t even have a penis.

Microfiber Cleaning Slippers

[NeatShtuff, $9.24]

Just because we’re single does NOT mean we don’t have anything better to do than clean. These don’t clean, they move dust around.

I threw mine out.

Match.com Gift Card

[Match, $50.97]

You know, not every single person wants to look for a partner. Maybe we don’t want one right now.

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day, please don’t get me any of these gifts, I’m happily single.

If you get me one of these, you can

Just Blau Me.

 

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The Canadian Who Cried “You’re Beautiful”

6 Feb

I’m sure you are all familiar with the story about the little boy who cried wolf. Long story short, he cried wolf so many times just to get attention. When the time came that there actually was a wolf, no one believed him. The wolf gobbled him up. Bye boy.

Let me tell you a new story about the little Canadian who cried “you’re beautiful.”

It was a dark and dreary Halloween night; girls were dressed like whores, boys were looking to get some and I was out, at a bar, dressed as Pebbles. I was a cute pebbles if I say so myself. I had a real dog bone on my head, short black shorts, a body suit, fur vest and leopard stockings… I don’t know why I thought Pebbles would wear something that trendy, but regardless, it worked. Recently single, confused and dumb-founded about the dating game, I went to a popular bar on campus to socialize to the best of my abilities. Placing a newly single chick in a bar on Halloween night is like placing a virgin nun in a whore house; confusing, scary and quite overwhelming. It was even more like placing a cat in a room of dogs, they’re all out for the pussy in the room.

I wasn’t really in the mood to meet anyone until this Canadian grabbed my hand. This is when it all began. Blame Canada. ”You’re like the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” he said as he held my hand and kissed it. I told him that wouldn’t be enough for me, although I was quite flattered. He continued to say it though, in his stupidly cute Canadian accent. It was like beautiful, turned into boootiful and house became Hoe-se, about was an aboot. I laughed harder than night than I had in a while, and it was nice hearing the word “beautiful” come out of a man’s mouth. I don’t know if it was his green eyes, ridiculous giggle, or the accent, but he was cute alright. I explained that I was flattered but was in no position to date anyone any time soon. I was expecting him to turn around and lose interest until he asked me to go to lunch.

What man asks a woman to go to lunch? Blame Canada. I thought it was cute, he wanted to get to know me. No man wants to do that anymore, get to know a woman, that is. We went to lunch that week and had a wonderful time, he had this stupid giggle, adorable smile and was extremely complimentary. After lunch, we kept in touch sparingly, I wasn’t quite sure of where I stood in the dangerous dating world. The next couple times that  I went out at night , I saw him; and every time that I saw him,  he would hold my hand, and say “you’re so beautiful.” He pronounced it like, “bee-you-tee-full,” Blame Canada. According to this Canadian I was the prettiest person he’s ever seen, and made sure to tell me every time he saw me. One night, I kissed him, and he proceeded to ask for more. First of all, you should never have to ask for anything more, it should just happen. I explained that I was not interested in anything more, and it was simply not on the menu. Quite baffled, though I can’t blame him for trying. He would call late night around 2 am or so, and rule is I don’t answer late night phone calls. But, for Mr. Canada, I answered for the sheer humor of it.

One night I got a phone call, he asked, “why don’t you just come to my hoe-se” that’s how he pronounced the word house. It was great. He then proceeded to tell me I should come “snuggle” and “you’re missing out if you don’t come, you’ve never had sex until you’ve have sex with ___ _____.”  Insert his name in the blanks. Apparently, according to this young Canadian lad, I’ve never had sex before.  After some time of hanging out, and asking for things, he realized that he wasn’t going to score any goodies, and gave up trying.

Weeks went by, and I then saw him at a bar and when I asked what happened, his exact words were, “you want a relationship before sex, and I want sex before a relationship.” Bye. At least I leave my mark with dignity and self-respect.  Later that week, I caught up with a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a while. She was exhausted, and viciously hung-over from a wild Tuesday night at the bars. During our conversation, she explained that she met a very cute, random guy the previous night. Throughout our conversation, she began to explain that they met at the bar, he was super funny, cute and extremely complimentary. I began to scratch my head, pondering. What are the chances this is the same, super random cute guy that I had met. I rolled my eyes, that couldn’t be possible, and continued listening to the story. They went back to his house, kissed and he started asking for more. He blatantly asked for a blow job and to have sex. How bad does your game have to be that you need to ask for it? Moreover, how easy are women nowadays that men can ask and simply receive? She denied his request and laughed at it.

It was dark in the room as they kissed, and he told her time and time again “you’re like the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, but like, seriously, you’re like really pretty.” I wish you could hear me do an impression. It’s phenomenal. He continued to compliment her so much that at one point, she laughed and said, “It’s dark in here, you can’t even see what I look like.” Nevertheless, he insisted, she was beautiful, really really pretty, like super pretty, and wanted a blow job. It was at this moment, I sat up in my chair, put my hands on the edge of my seat and said, “What is this cute guys name?” and she said, “I don’t know his last name, but his first name is ____.”  No doubt about it, we had both kissed the same Canadian. To quote my friend, “If he could only add about 3 more words to his vocabulary, he could be so cute.” She sat at the edge of his bed, asked for a ride home, and we both laugh about the thought of it to this day.

What is the lesson we learn here today my friends?

Pay compliments to those when they are due, but overcompensating by using lines like, “you’re beautiful” gets you nowhere. Don’t ask for blow jobs and sex, it’s weird, unless you’re paying for it. And like the little boy who cried wolf, this little Canadian ended up with no ass because all he does is cry, “you’re beautiful.”

The End.

Disclaimer: I love Canada.

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HPV Vaccine is Now Officially Recommended by Pediatricians for Boys

2 Feb

There has been a large breakthrough in children’s vaccinations by the nation’s largest pediatrician group! The new vaccination schedules were published for children in America and they found, boys now too should be inoculated starting at ages 11-12, ”because new data showed giving boys the vaccine can help lessen the odds of HPV-associated cancers in men and in women, said Dr. H. Cody Meissner, chief of pediatric infectious disease at the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center in Boston.”

In 2007 young girls began getting their vaccinations against HPV, a series of 3 shots over a six month period of time. While the vaccinations do not completely prevent men and women from getting HPV, it has been known to protect against genital warts in both men and women. Recent evidence shows that the vaccine may also help prevent anal, penile, neck and head cancers too.

These vaccinations are now being offered to boys ages 11-12, which is also the age that girls are recommended to get it as well. “HPV vaccinations are also advised for young men ages 13 to 21 if they’ve not yet had all three shots. It may be given to boys as young as 9 and to men between 22 and 26.”

HPV Human Papillomavirus is contracted easily. So easily it can be received from genital touching. According to the CDC, “HPV is passed on through genital contact, most often during vaginal and anal sex. HPV may also be passed on during oral sex and genital-to-genital contact.”  You may use condoms during intercourse, but most people do not use protection during oral sex although they should. In fact, oral HPV is now becoming a lot more common than many doctors and scientists ever expected it to be, particularly in men.

HPV is now said to be affecting 3 out of 4 women, and at least 80% of women will have HPV at some point in their lifetime. Petrifying. This is a huge percentage and definitely raises eyebrows and should raise awareness. The main problem with HPV is that there is currently no test for men, so we don’t know if men have it until they’ve given it to a woman, and she’s tested positive. Moreover, just because men can’t get tested for it, does not mean it doesn’t affect them as well.

It’s great to see that pediatricians are recommending the vaccinations for young boys and girls. Hopefully this will help control the spread of HPV, so as to make it less dangerous for sexually active beings. We should not stop having sex, we should not stop experimenting, but we should start to become more aware and educated about our sexual health and how we put ourselves at risk. Part of the problem is that people tend to believe that oral sex, and genital touching are not forms of sex, when in reality they are. Just because it isn’t putting a P in a V does not mean it isn’t sexually related. No one is saying you shouldn’t have sex, and experiment, but it is important to understand the responsibility you take on when you become sexually involved with anyone. Condoms do help protect you from sexually transmitted diseases, but they don’t necessarily protect you from HPV.  I don’t know about you, but genital warts does not sound yummy, not to mention cervical, anal, oral, penile, neck and throat cancers are quite scary too.

Next time you contemplate getting a blow job, or as some guys I know call it, “a whopper,” going down on a girl, having sexual intercourse, or as I like to call it now, fornicating, or anything related below the belly button, think about whether or not you’re fully ready to be responsible for your actions. Whether you like that person enough, to risk your sexual health that will affect you for the rest of your life. Like Dr. Ruth tweeted recently, “Have a lot of sex, but have it with a steady partner.” I couldn’t agree more with the grandma.

Remember, we only have one body, take care of it.

Stay safe and sexy people, or Just Blau Me.

 

 

Read more:

3 Changes to Children’s Vaccine Recommendations Announced

CDC Committee Recommends Boys Receive HPV Vaccine 

Boys Should Get HPV Vaccine Too, CDC Says. 

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Fingering 101

30 Jan

Welcome to Fingering 101

Everyone thinks that fingering a woman is a simple task. Theoretically, how hard can it be to place a finger into a vagina? Believe it or not, it’s not as easy as you may think. A friend of mine came to me the other day with a serious dilemma. We’ll call him Abe,* he met someone who he really likes, things got hot and heavy and she was, let’s say… too tight to tango. Abe* tried everything he could do without the help of artificial lube from going down on her, to wetting his fingers and nothing worked. He explained that it was almost as if her vaginal muscles were completely shut and he couldn’t fit any finger into her vagina, let alone the idea of his penis.

I immediately asked him what her reaction was. Abe* explained that she said that she was comfortable, however, she made sounds and motions that insinuated a bit of discomfort. I mean, clearly the girl was uncomfortable in that he was trying to fit a finger into a pin hole. Ouch. But it may not have been because of a lack of knowledge on how to finger a girl, but better a lack of knowledge about the vagina. Can’t blame men for not understanding it completely, they don’t have a vagina. Many women don’t even know anything about their vaginas.

There are a couple things you should consider before fingering a woman:

Short nails are a must. The vagina is a delicate part of the body made up of tissues and can be easily hurt. Most men do not like when women use teeth during sex. Think about how you would feel if a woman scratched your penis with her teeth or nails during a blow-job or sex. Cut your nails, it really is simple.

Lubricant is welcome. It can take a woman anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour and 20 minutes to become naturally lubricated from foreplay. Artificial lubricant can be helpful during foreplay, especially if you or your partner have a hard time becoming lubricated naturally. This can be totally normal due to hormonal changes; however, if it’s negatively affecting your sex-life and health, contact a doctor. It is important for men to understand that no matter how wet and excited a woman man  get from your “phenomenal” skills, that moisture is easily taken away and rubbed into your hand and fingers, which can leave her susceptible to small cuts, lesions and tender feeling.  Not hot. Try Paraben and Glycerin Free Astroglide. It is less likely to cause any infection, it is water soluble and lasts for a pretty decent amount of time, especially for foreplay use.

Almost anything can fit.  If a baby’s head can fit out of a vagina, one would assume it’s safe to think any size, width, length penis can fit inside of a woman. However, there is something called Vaginismus. The vagina has a sphincter. Great word. This is a group of muscles that controls it’s tightness. This is why you may feel the vagina tighten during an orgasm, or during sex, just blame it on the sphincter. This sphincter also allows penises, fingers, doctor’s speculums, tampons, dildo’s etc. to fit inside. Vaginismus is when the sphincter clenches and does not allow for anything to be inserted into the vagina. I’ll explain more about vaginismus another time… However, it is important to understand that not everything always fits inside of the vagina. Not all women have vaginismus, yet, it could be a possibility. If insertion is not an option because of her discomfort, which can be because of other things too, there is always clitoral stimulation that can lead to an orgasm.

Delicate strokes for vagina folks. While women have this too, predominantly men seem to have this major misconception that just because the vagina can fit almost any size, width and length penis, it is easy to penetrate. 1,2,3 in for me. No. It doesn’t work like that. Inserting anything into a vagina takes time, patience, lubrication and communication. You need to be gentle. Of course, unless she likes being finger banged.

Communication leads to great fornication. All women enjoy being pleasured differently. In this case, I’m talking about fingering. There are women who like their vaginas tapped, flicked, rubbed fast and slow. Some women are more into pressure than speed. Some women like it when you place your fingers inside the vagina, while others would prefer clitoral stimulation. Unless you want to go into that deep dark hole blind-sighted and take her moans, or groans as direction, it’s okay to ask a woman what it is she likes. For example:

Abe* said he asked, “Are you comfortable?” Most women I know would respond “Yes” because while they may be comfortable with you, they don’t like what you’re doing sexually. Telling someone you don’t like what you’re doing, especially if it’s not hurting you, is difficult because you don’t want to ruin the moment, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. While the girl did respond and say she was comfortable, her actions were speaking a different language.

Instead, try asking, “does this feel good?” or “how do you like it? Take her hand, place it on her and tell her to show you how she likes it, or say, “tell me what to do.” Let’s be serious, while we’d like for men to know everything about the vagina, they can’t because they don’t have one. Unless you’re a gynecologist, I dont believe you know everything about the vagina. No one but a gyno looks at all different vaginas all day long, not even me. If anyone knows the vagina as a man, it’s a male gynecologist. Other than that, you don’t know nearly as much as you think you do about the vagina. Truth. Swallow your ego and just accept it.

“Come hither” motion. There seems to be some misunderstanding of what to do when you’ve gotten inside. While some women, according to my viewers and some friends, do enjoy “finger banging” which is where you insert your fingers into the vagina and quickly remove them repetitively. Kind of like, replacing your penis during “jack rabbit sex” with fingers. In order to pleasure a woman during fingering, try reaching for her g-spot. If you place your fingers inside the vagina and make a “come hither” motion with your fingers, you may feel the tissue inside feels a bit rigid, or different than the rest of the vaginal tissue. This is where you’ll mostly likely find her g-spot. Unless you’re partner tells you that she likes being fingered in a certain way, try the come hither motion, and moving your fingers back and forth rather than in and out. It creates less friction, and allows for a possible g-spot stimulation.

So, Abe* next time you are going to try fingering your lady friend make sure to cut your nails, try some lubricant, understand that it may not be about her vagina size, you may just not be doing something she likes. Try communicating with her to make sure that you are doing what she wants. This is about her, not you. Your ego may get you the girl, but it won’t always get you in her or satisfy her. People who are willing to learn, make the most of the life, and get the most out of it.

Happy Foreplay, or Just Blau Me.

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Don’t Delete, Just “Don’t Answer”

29 Jan

One day, a man on the street saw me waiting for someone while I was walking my dog. I was checking my phone and watch every couple of minutes and he finally caught the suspicion that I had been waiting, on someone. “Are you waiting for someone?” he asked. I was outside, my lips were turning purple and my hands had lost that pink tint in them from the cold.  ”Yes, my ex. Ha” and I rolled my eyes and laughed it off. It was as if the man already knew my situation, “are you going to get back together?” I knew this man vaguely, old enough to be my father. “I’m not sure… maybe? I’d like to. We’ll see” and before my ex arrived, the man smiled, looked my way and said, “if he’s an ex, he’s an ex for a reason, move forward and just let him go.” He walked his dog one way and I continued to walk mine. It’s sometimes the most simple things we hear, that we could have told ourselves, that make that small difference in our lives.

Who does not hate break ups? I used to hate them. I guess I don’t hate them because now I treat myself to a new pair of sexy ass high heels to wear when I walk away from the relationship. I’ve broken up with boyfriends, been broken up with and have broken off friendships. It’s never fun or easy no matter how you put it. A friend of mine recently ended a relationship that was just negative all around. He was controlling, she was miserably unstable and the two of them together just made a bad combination. When they finally broke up, she had a very hard time keeping her distance. After all, it is quite difficult to go from talking to someone frequently, on a daily basis to not speaking to them at all because you’re “broken up.” I suggested to help her keep her distance, she put him and all other ex boyfriends, boy-toys, friends, ex’s of any kind in her phone as “Don’t Answer.”

It may seem a bit crazy, but I do it. After the new year and my encounter with that man, I went into my phone book, and replaced all my ex men, and friends with “Don’t Answer” so when I do hear from them it’s easy to ignore it. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for some, and it is quite helpful. It’s all about the sub-conscious. If you delete the person from your telephone, when you do hear from them, and you don’t remember the number, your automatic response is usually to answer the phone or text back, “who is this?” This just gets the unwanted ball rolling again and opens the door for conversation. By asking “who is this?”, the ball is now in their court and it will be harder to ignore further messages and conversation.

If you keep he or she in your phone with their name in your address book, it’s almost like an automatic obligation to respond to any phone calls or texts received because of the relationship you once had with them.

Sure, after some time dating someone, or being friends with someone you know their number by heart. But then you’ll feel obligated to answer because you’ll be wondering why he or she is contacting you, if something is wrong? There are millions of excuses we make to keep in touch with unhealthy parts of our lives. When you stop contacting he or she, you’d be surprised how quickly you’ll lose interesting in calling or texting. No doubt, when I receive a message or call from a “Don’t Answer” I check the number associated with it in my address book to see if I know who it is. Yet, even when I do know, it’s easier to ignore because of the constant reminder of “DONT ANSWER.” Two simple words remind me of why they’re no longer in my life and make it easier to disregard.

It may seem like a silly suggestion to you, but when you think about it and how much influence the subconscious has on your daily life and actions, you may think twice. Don’t knock it until you try it. Receive a text from “Don’t Answer” and it’s an automatic ignore and delete. Not to mention it makes pressing the ignore button when you receive a phone call that much easier.

My friend eventually deleted him from her phone and continued to text his number in her phone without a name attached to it. Surprise surprise. I suppose everything in life is to each his or her own. We all have our own ways of handling things and coping. This is just my way, and it may help you. If it doesn’t, Just Blau Me.

Letting go of the past isn’t easy. In fact, I don’t think we’ll ever fully let go of our pasts as it is a part of us, a factor in who we become in the future. However, we can move past the past that holds us down, and brings us back. The “Don’t Answer” technique allows for that small part of our pasts to remain in our current lives; yet be reminders of why they are there in the first place.

Cheers, Just Blau Me.

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