It has recently come to my attention that kissing is an official make it or break it point in relationships. Adult relationships. Girls are dropping guys like flies now all because of the kiss. How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss…

Meeting someone usually begins with handshakes. If there is an attraction, that can lead to hugs, to kisses on the cheek, to dates and dinners and drinks and then kissing and we all know what kissing leads to… second base! But seriously, it does lead to touching breasts, and then touching other things…kissing is the first step to other sexual experiences. That is unless you don’t like to kiss, which means you’ve either got some serious intimacy issues or suck at it.

Remember your first kiss? Playing spin the bottle? 7-minutes in heaven? There is a reason we all spent so much time as kids trying to learn how to kiss! For goodness sake, I kissed my hand more times that I’d like to admit. My first kiss was genuinely the most embarrassing moment in my life. I was scarred from it too. I was 12-years old, at camp on the baseball field, and he told everyone we clunked teeth, I fell on top of him and I was the worst kisser ever. He lied dammit. From that moment on, I was terrified of kissing. It was like kissing became the devil. A mouth opened in my direction and I was convinced I was being swallowed by a deep dark hole of hell.

I got over it eventually.

Here is the thing though, I have been hearing from many different adults that people still don’t know how to kiss! After all that time as kids, making out with our hands, friends and playing dumb games to learn how to kiss, we still don’t know how? Is that even possible? I thought practice makes perfect? Perhaps not enough practice? I don’t know.

I understand everyone has different preferences when it comes to kissing, but there is a reason it is called a “french kiss” because it’s predominantly done one way. I found a website that instructs you how to “french kiss” and I’m not sure how I feel about this one.

I’ve heard plenty of times, if you don’t like his or her kissing it’s an automatic NO-GO from that moment on. However, the more research I do, and by research I did not put up a kissing booth, although in this economy it may be a good way to make some money…. but mono? Maybe not.

I genuinely mean reading about kissing techniques, how people do it and hearing others’ experiences. I asked a guy friend the other night at the bar, “So what happens if you like someone but you don’t like the way he or she kisses” His answer was, “Next, that will never work, if you don’t like kissing them you won’t like anything else with them either.” But is that really the end all be all of the situation? I wonder…  I don’t think it is!

KISSING 101

Kissing involves a total of 34 facial muscles. If you think about it, that’s a lot of muscles and one can assume we all move our muscles, but we all move them differently. We are human, no two exactly alike, which is why we all enjoy kissing differently too. Some people enjoy solely using his or her lips without any use of the tongue. While other people love using their tongues during kissing. The lips and tongue are both densely concentrated with nerve endings, even more so than the clitoris and the frenulum of the penis.  Ever wonder why it hurts so bad when you bite your tongue by accident? or why it feels oddly good when someone nibbles on your lip? It’s because your lips and tongue are very sensitive parts of your body. Now, don’t go biting or nibbling anyone’s clitoris or frenulum, unless you’re asked too. Weird, but to each his own, I suppose.

The main question here is, can we change the way someone kisses?

How do you do this? I find there are 2 different ways:

Verbally encourage your partner to kiss you differently. Make sure to be positive as people can be sensitive too and easily offended or embarrassed. Embarrassment is never a turn on, and not easy to bounce back from. Stay positive in your suggestions by saying things like:

• “I think we kiss differently, I do like the way you kiss, I just like to kiss differently than you”- make sure, in this case, if your partner is receptive, he or she will ask how you kiss and this is your time to show he or she how you like to kiss and set an example you’d like your partner to follow.
• You can take control of the situation and grab your partners face and say, “Wait, kiss me like this___” – and then proceed to show your partner how you’d like to be kissed.
• Humor is also a positive and easy way to overcome an awkward situation such as kissing differently. If used correctly of course. Try telling your partner about a funny story when someone you know got kissed weirdly, and then show them how. Key here is to show them the way you DONT want to be kissed, and then set a proper example of what you do like.
• “I think we’re on different rhythms here” and explain that you kiss differently.
• One guy said he would simply say, “babe no offense but you’re doing too much of this ___ or you’re doing too much of that ____and this is what you need to do…” I would suggest tweaking that because “no offense” automatically puts the other person on just that, the defense. Maybe try saying, “kiss me softly, like this ___” or “you can be a little more aggressive with me, try this ___”

The key to verbally telling someone who you don’t like the way that he or she kisses is by explaining that you simply  kiss DIFFERENTLY than they do, and it’s not that you don’t like their kissing, you just like kissing in a different way.  Difference is something we must come to accept on many different levels, even kissing. I don’t think anyone is a bad kisser, we’re just different beings.

Physical action is always another option and often times easiest, because it doesn’t include that awkward conversation about kissing technique. However, it seems to be least effective because you may not get the response you want immediately, and it may take some time getting used to. Many times I’ve suggested kissing someone how you’d like to be kissed. Take the reigns, lead the way, c’mon Lewis and Clark, you’re leading an expedition here a mission for kissing.

If you like to use your tongue during kissing, which is normal, considering how sensitive your tongue is, use it, it feels good. Think of kissing as an all-in-one motion. Here I go with this teaching you how to kiss stuff. ugh I feel like a big sister. Seriously, pay attention!

• Think of kissing as an all-in-one motion.
• Pecking is for birds. You are NOT a bird.
• Licking is for dogs. You are NOT a dog. Although I’m convinced some of you are.
• If your partner does not use tongue enough and you’d like he or she to use it more, try encouraging your partner to kiss differently by using your tongue a little bit; if your  partner reciprocates, it is okay to use it a bit more.
• If your partner uses too much tongue, try backing away and do not reciprocate any action you do not enjoy.
• For a good, sensual kiss, simply try entering your tongue little by little into your partners mouth as you kiss each other. It’s almost as if you’re touching tongues as you kiss each other slowly. Kind of like, tongue touching, but not a sword fight or tonsil hockey. This is the perfect gateway to using your tongue during kissing. After you become comfortable using your tongue while kissing your partner, there will be room for more experimentation with your kissing techniques in the future. Always remember, kissing is different for everyone.

NEVER just put your tongue wildly into someone’s mouth, if you want to make out and lick someone’s face, go to your local dog shelter, you’ll have plenty of face licking there. If someone ever did that to me, I think I’d bite it. Just saying.

It’s like that episode of Sex and The City when Charlotte meet Brad. Oh god. Avoid this type of kissing please.

So, is kissing a make it or break it point? Unfortunately it can be, but it does not have to be. Try these techniques if you genuinely enjoy someone for who they are but dislike his or her kissing style. Remember, it is always best to try to fix it before you nix it for good, you can’t knock it until you try it!

Be a good kisser or Just Blau Me.